Dictionary.com defines Long Distance Relationships as a romantic relationship between two people who live far apart and so are unable to meet on a frequent basis.
A friend of mine is currently in his first long distance relationship and asked for some advice because I am a single dad like him. I may be a single dad, but I have not been in the “new” dating game that much longer than him, let alone a long distance one. The first question I asked him was “where he met her” with the response “Hinge, but that she was almost an hour and half away and out of state”. I said “why, was there no one closer in the same state as you”? I only got the response of “I thought I give it a try”.
While I can’t provide any experience on having a long-distance relationship as a single parent, I can still give him some personal insight mixed in with some research on the subject. He is a single parent, like me, who resides in the same town as his ex. They have 1 kid who is in 1st grade together with whom they share 50/50 custody with. My friend’s new “girlfriend” has two kids who are between 11 and 13. Both of them cannot move closer due to their legal restrictions and obligations with their exes. Any future of being closer is out of the picture for quite some time. So, the question is, is he wasting his time? Yes, and here is why.
Personally, I have only been in geographically close relationships. I couldn’t even fathom trying to be in one that is long distance as a single parent unless that person doesn’t have kids. When dating as a single parent where both of you have kids, it sometimes can be hard meeting someone with the same parenting schedule as you. If you have opposite schedules of when you have your kids, it almost seems impossible to have any real time to spend with them on your own. When it’s my parenting weekend, I focus on my kids and our time together. Unless there is some conflict of an event, I do not schedule any “personal” time away from them as some single parents I know do.
Relationships usually grow more organically when you have easier access to seeing the person regularly. Distance will always limit when you are able to see them, especially when you throw in kids schedules, and in my friend’s case, two sets of schedules. Not to say you need to spend every day with that person but meeting up for coffee or having dinner is not really feasible when you’re an hour and half away in another state.
Distance and financial strain are an obvious factor that every person in a long-distance relationship faces with or without kids. The high cost of fuel if driving there with the miles between each other can start to take a toll. If you are not in driving range, then you have to factor in airplane travel. Couples in long-distance relationships have to budget for travel costs just as they would for food and living expenses. Also, if there is distance, make sure you try and share the traveling within. One person should not always be going one way.
Let’s not come off as clingy or needy. Do you demand you’re new significant other to tell you everything that they do each hour of each day? Do you stop what you’re doing whenever they text you just to respond, even if it’s when you’re with your kids? It’s perfectly normal to miss them and feel the need to talk to them all the time but it’s not healthy. Your kids will also pick up on it if you get overly involved with talking to your long-distance partner verse spending time with them. Overly attached and being too clingy most likely will suffocate your long-distance partner and feel you are becoming too controlling and needy. Give them some space and time to be without you.
Over a period of time, the relationship can start to suffer, especially a long-distance relationship because there is nothing to talk about. You wait for your partner to speak first, while he or she is waiting for the same. Your relationship lacks the energy and the romantic talks of the past. You find it hard to continue your conversation with your partner. Your conversations are not deeper, and you both don’t express your emotions with each other as they used to be initially. Especially when your communication is through texting or Facetime. This can be a sign that you are no longer interested in continuing this long-distance relationship.
With jealousy and/or infidelity, there is also a risk that your partner may develop an intimate relationship or fall in love with someone else who may be closer to them. This could happen with an ex of theirs, a friend, or someone they meet randomly or on an app. There is always a chance when in a long-distance relationship that this will happen.
Usually in long distance relationships where each partner is single, one will want to move closer to that person in order to maintain any kind of foreseeable future. Being a single parent with young kids, this really isn’t something you can just up and do. There are likely stipulations in your divorce decree or parenting plan in which any type of personal move will have to be granted by the court and for good reason and not because you want to be with that person. There is also the other parent involved with the children who will most likely not approve the move just for “love”.
Personally, I could not date a single parent like me long distance, especially if they out of state. Not because I can’t find anyone local, but because I can’t really see any future with that person as I have two kids that I share custody with their mom. If you are in a long-distance relationship and are a single parent, these are some of the Pro’s and Con’s I gathered which hopefully helps you out.
Pro’s
- The thrill of the “omg it’s been too long since I’ve seen you, I’m just going to love you until tomorrow” feeling. Subtle changes about this person since the last time you encountered them create a beautiful new landscape in which you can get lost. It’s like the honeymoon phase. All. The. Time
- You have deeper appreciation. As a couple in a long-distance relationship, you tend to appreciate what you have in your relationship more than worry about what you don’t have. Little things don’t start fights as often. You spend more time appreciating the other person and less time picking at their flaws
- You will have fewer conflicts. When you are in a long-distance relationship, you may find that there are fewer arguments, and not annoying each other when you are not around each other. Your long-distance relationship is built on trust. Have faith in each other and love your partner the way he or she is. Don’t take each other for granted
Con’s
- LDR relationships are typically only a temporary solution since not many people desire to live their entire lives miles apart from their significant other. If you cannot find a way to be physically together at some point in the future, the relationship may not succeed. If you are both single parents, there is now more of a chance of it failing
- When it’s been some time since you have seen each other, you feel lonely. A common situation to be in and chances are you will find yourself here as the time apart increases
- Sex certainly isn’t the only necessary component of a successful relationship. Still, you may find that there is a lack of physical intimacy in your LDR relationship is creating strain or tension within the relationship
- When you are dependent on your partner for everything and your partner betrays you, you cannot come to terms with it. You seek constant reassurance from them. When you don’t get it, you feel depressed and assume that he or she doesn’t love you anymore. Even when your partner is very caring and loving, they cannot keep reassuring you at all times. Don’t co-depend on someone else in relationships
- Over a period of time, the relationship suffers, especially a long-distance relationship because there is nothing to talk about anymore. You wait for your partner to speak first, while he or she is waiting for the same. Your relationship lacks the zeal and the romantic talks of the past. You find it hard to continue your conversation with your partner. Your conversations are not deeper, and you both don’t express your emotions with each other as they used to be initially. A sign that you are no longer interested in continuing this long-distance relationship
